captainash | 17th treasure [video]

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17th treasure [video]

[Ah, such a lovely day this is. Seriously, it has everything needed for perfection: a wobbly video feed, a fluffy lime green afro taking up most of said feed, a Relicanth swiftly swimming away from said afro, and an original score -crashing waves, Eevee screams, the shouts of a hundred furious souls- that matches the action perfectly.]

Look at that fish go-

[For a man who has to deal with an Eevee screaming in his ear and digging his claws in his shoulder, Ash sounds much too gleeful. The image starts to turn around, shaking even more as it moves.]

-and look at those turtles follow!

[Ash also sounds much too cheerful for a man being pursued by dozens of angry Tirtougas. He might even sound like he's laughing.

...He is laughing. Oh hell.]

Looks like they're gaining on us. Afrodite, show them what we can do!

[Not that anyone else will get to see what exactly that is, because Evo chooses that moment to try and get away from this madness, hitting the Gear in the process.]

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Are you kidding? It's the old rocks that can move the fastest. They know the tricks, where the right push off points are and stuff. [He laughs at the pokemon reply.]

Looks like everywhere is being overrun by fossil dudes.

True, they have the advantage of experience, but you'd think they'd be a little rusty. Hopefully there aren't too many of them near New Bark Town; they make a lousy welcoming committee.

They make lousy house guests too. Rudely eating what's in the cabinets and anything else they want. As for being rusty, I'm not sure...but I don't think they're exactly all the way alive. More like enough here to be a pain.

...That wouldn't be too surprising. They were reanimated by that seance the other day, right? That's not part of a normal life cycle, even here.

Seems like it. And if that revived them, then...might not have done it all the way. Normal pokemon aren't this crazy. Unless they're secretly letting themselves be caught and act like our friends until one night they're eat our faces off. But that's ridiculous.

...I'd expect that from one of my cats, to be honest. But yeah, those turtles act less rationally than any other creature I've seen.

Wonder if there's a way to help them. I mean, we can't just leave them like this. Maybe the seance or something else can sent them back or bring them all the way across?

In games and movies the hero often has to defeat restless spirits to help them move on, but that doesn't help much right now.

I think that will only make them more willing to wreck our shit in this case. [There's a pause as something flickers at the edge of his video. A cooing song seems to start up and Dave just puts a hand over his face for a moment.

He holds up a hand then leans over out of the frame.]

Will you stop trying to get the toaster to make hot love with you?? I hate to break it to you but that sweet little thing there is your own reflection.

[He returns with a shake of his head.] We were lucky, only thing we got so far is a spy in the toilet bowl and a drunk singing love songs in our kitchen.

...Are you really sure having to witness a long dead drunk rock's forbidden passion for your kitchenware is lucky? Because that sounds more horrifying than anything else I've seen this week.

I've seen way worse than that before I was old enough to say a four letter word. It's about the same level of horror as fireworks in the sink. You can pretty much drown it out with tunes and a good noise canceling pair of headphones. [Life with Bro prepared him for all sorts of weird.]

...The fact that you sound like you're speaking from a lot of personal experience is both alarming and impressive.

[In a terrifying way.]

What can I say? Life has never been boring. [If Ash ever runs into Bro man, it will all click into place. Maybe.]

Seen the rocks try to take out buildings or are they mostly leaving shit intact?

I can imagine.

[There was that one request about psycho pussy, but Ash is still missing too many pieces of that particular puzzle.]

The buildings aren't too affected, but that's mostly because the local rocks prefer the water and the beach. The more adventurous aim for the windows, but they're taken out quickly.

I hear stories about flyers being a problem. So watch yourself, okay? Those guys are predators and have teeth. No telling if being half dead means 'people eaters' too.

I will. I can even try throwing the Tirtougas in their path if I have to.

Here's hoping it doesn't come to that. I mean, maybe they'd settle for some other type meat.

...What would give the best results, mystery meat or Magikarps?

Maybe ham. Feeding other pokes to them seems cruel. Besides, it's easier to get your hands on bacon. You might even make new friends with bacon. Man. Now I want some bacon.

Wouldn't their bacon come from Tepigs or Spoinks? I haven't seen other pigs here yet. That would be just as cruel as Magikarps.

[There's a long silence as the realization hits Dave.]

...

Welp.

I'm probably swearing off bacon forever now.

Or maybe it's all artificial fake meat. I'm really hoping it's artificial fake meat.

Yeah. But everytime you eat bacon, you're picturing it, aren't you.

I haven't eaten bacon in months.

[That would be a yes.]

[There's a pause as he gets up, walking out of the frame. There's the sound of rummaging around before Dave comes back fifteen minutes later.] Okay. I just double checked some shit and uh, the bacon is just pig not poke.

Dunno if that makes you feel better or anything.

Edited 2013-08-14 23:31 (UTC)

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